if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
