Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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