I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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