he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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