I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
