Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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