I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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