hotel room ftw
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize