I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
