How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
