The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
