A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My penis needs a shock collar
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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