So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize