There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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