she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
