apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
