Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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