Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
