What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
