she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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