Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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