Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
