Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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