just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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