Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
