He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
