I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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