i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
