According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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