Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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