Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
