This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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