the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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