Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
