if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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