$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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