It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
