One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
