dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
