New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
