My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
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