btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
bring money and cleavage
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize