I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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