I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
