if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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