Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
