I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
