My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
