Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Terrible idea I love it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
