God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
