While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize