11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
