you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
