I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
