K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize