i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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