My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
