I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
