Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
