I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
