Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
