I accidentally burped into my bong.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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