I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
