Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
