I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he was CRYING into my vagina
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize