I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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